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Recent Battles
Queen Victoria
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Juicing The Sheep
09 April 2009 11:11 AM | No CommentsThe Journal of Queen Victoria Thursday, October 21, 1868 “Juicing the Sheep“ At a quarter to twelve I drove off with Louise and Leopold in the waggonette up to near the “Bush” (the residence of William Brown, the farmer) to see them “juice the sheep.”...
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Queen Victoria’s Border Collies
26 January 2009 4:40 AM | 18 CommentsFor well over a century the “Collie” name has been co-opted by show breeders who have created a monster whose face looks like a door stop with beady eyes set in triangular slits. These same people have co-opted the notion that Queen Victoria was deeply...
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Show Me the Collie
22 January 2009 3:38 AM | 1 CommentHaving established that Queen Victoria’s direct influence on the proliferation of the show Collie is insubstantial at best, let’s explore what impact the Monarchy may have, in fact, had on the culture of dogs during her reign. Five. If the show Collie owes more to...
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The Queen and the Collie
20 January 2009 2:57 AM | 2 CommentsThe old wisdom on the rise of the show Collie is that Queen Victoria met them on a trip to Scotland in the 1860s, became infatuated, acquired them, sponsored them in shows, bred them, and her abundant trend-setting prowess lead to their bountiful rise to...
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The Victorian Collie Myth
19 January 2009 8:03 PM | 5 CommentsThe prevailing creation myth among show Collie enthusiasts is that Queen Victoria’s infatuation with the breed set the ball in motion, elevating the humble farm dog to aristocratic splendor. Queen Victoria saw her first Collies in the 1860′s, and she enthusiastically began to sponsor them,...
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Juicing The Sheep
humor Archive
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The Heart of Barkness
Posted on March 10, 2010 | 3 CommentsA mere 8 weeks after being forced out of the warm embrace of their mother’s womb, the sons and daughters of the Mighty Mercury and Magnanimous Mara stand but a few days away from the great puppy diaspora whence they shall be tossed to the... -
Multiple Orcasms
Posted on February 26, 2010 | 5 CommentsDisclaimer: This post is not for the faint of heart, the prude, or those who have but a small reservoir of hope left for humanity. Rated NC-17 for discussion of perverse sexual behavior. I could have gone with “Serial Killer Whale,” but the death of a trainer... -
Question & Answer Time
Posted on May 8, 2009 | 3 CommentsMore fun than keeping track of visitor traffic and subscribers (almost 90 readers and 20 followers now) is looking to see what search terms bring people here. The preponderance of image searches for dog !@#%ing makes me wonder about the state of humanity and my... -
In Search of the Great American Hero
Posted on February 3, 2009 | 1 CommentAfter a decade, I still find this one of my favorite pieces. It was written for my college application essays and worked for Stanford and Yale. Harvard and Princeton didn’t find it nearly as charming and put me on their wait lists. I declined. As... -
Ice, Ice, Baby
Posted on January 28, 2009 | No Comments.. My dogs love a good ice cube, as long as I wet it first so it doesn’t stick to their tongue. It’s a great way to cool them off on hot, sunny days–their black fur soaks up the heat–and the best way to stop... -
The Dog Toss
Posted on January 28, 2009 | No CommentsHere at Border Wars, we’re always on the lookout for potential new dog sports. Frisbee, flyball, agility, and dock jumping aren’t for everyone, and the more venues there are for friendly competition, the better. In the tradition of the Highland Games and that frat house... -
A Dog’s Breakfast
Posted on January 28, 2009 | No CommentsSince it’s the dreaded middle of the week and I’ve hit you with a lot of text lately, please enjoy this wonderful black comedy staring a black and tan mutt named Mars and the stars from TV’s Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis. A Dog’s Breakfast. ..... -
The Joke’s On Ewe
Posted on January 1, 2009 | 2 CommentsTwo trends are so cutesty, I just can’t stand them. One is talking in the first person though your animals and the other is using “Ewe” in your kennel or dog name in some slightly clever and often cliche way. One of the family Christmas... -
Police Dog Fail
Posted on December 28, 2008 | No CommentsI suppose they don’t use Border Collies for police work because they’re simply not vicious enough and aren’t known for their bite. Or perhaps they’re too high strung for intense urban assault situations. Or maybe, like this police dog, they just like to play too... -
The Oven Ate My Turkey
Posted on November 27, 2008 | 1 CommentIs your Turkey being held hostage by your oven? The oven door won’t open? Is your oven locked shut with your Turkey inside? Have you bent the latch into a pretzel trying to force it open, to no avail? Well, I’m here to help. To...
Queen Victoria's Border Collies